We caught the end of the Yankees’ victory parade this morning. Aside from the requisite Jay-Z performance on the City Hall steps, there wasn’t much to talk about. I mean, it’s championship number 27 — no cherries popped here.
Brief observations:
a.) Nick Swisher is officially the new biggest tool in the American League. With his two-years-too-late faux-hawk, white-rimmed shades and long black trenchcoat, he managed to look like an extra from Blade and the new celebrity spokesman for Ed Hardy in one fell swoop.
b.) Outer borough New Yorkers hate Bloomberg! They booed him heartily when he took the stage to fellate George, Girardi and Jeter (this despite the fact that Bloomie three-peated on Tuesday).
c.) City officials made noise about how eco-friendly-ish the celebration would be, promoting the fact that the confetti would be composed of 100 percent “recyclable” paper (is there any other kind?). After the festivities, with the streets, trees and window ledges of lower Manhattan awash in detritus, city workers promptly used a fleet of gas-powered leaf blowers to move all the refuse into giant piles that was 100 percent definitely not recycled because that would just take forever.
With a lack of further inspiration on this dreary Friday afternoon, then, we revert to an old tale of exploitation: Back in my salad days, I drove a beat-up Ford Ranger pickup truck because I thought it looked cool and someday I might need to drive through giant croc-infested mud puddles. That never happened, and the truck broke down every six miles, so I finally decided to put it up on Craigslist.
To my delight, some poor sucker responded almost immediately. Friendly exchanges quickly devolved into pseudonymous backstabbery when I realized that this trick was trying to Nigerian email scam me. I managed to string the ne’er-do-well along for a while until he or she realized I wasn’t a senior citizen and scurried away.
We join the story in progress as the protagonist responds to the villain’s initial inquiry:
From: Ben Fuchs / To: Esther Page / Subject: Re: 1991 Ford Ranger / Date: Mon, 27 Feb 2006 02:30:12 -0800 (PST):
Hello - Yes, the Ranger is still available. You can check it out in the attached photos. If interested or if you have any questions, feel free to give me a call at [redacted].
Ben
From: Esther Page / To: Ben Fuchs / Subject: Re: 1991 Ford Ranger / Date: Mon, 27 Feb 2006 03:48:52 -0800 (PST):
How much is the ford going for?
(Note: At this point, I’m simply thinking old Esther is a moron who has managed to miss some rather basic information in the Craigslist ad. Desperate to unload the truck, I plod on:)
From: Ben Fuchs / To: Esther Page / Subject: Re: 1991 Ford Ranger / Date: Tue, 28 Feb 2006 09:17:42 -0800 (PST):
Esther - I’m asking $1850. Kelley Blue Book value ranges between 1800 and 2100, roughly, so the asking price is already toward the cheap side for what the truck is worth, according to Blue Book.
Ben
From: Esther Page / To: Ben Fuchs / Subject: Re: 1991 Ford Ranger / Date: Wed, 1 Mar 2006 02:50:23 -0800 (PST):
Hello, Thanks for the reply i will issuie you a check of $3900, you will remove $1900 for the vehicle and you will send the excess of $2000 to my shipping agent in England, who will get in touch with you once i notify them.
Please get back in touch with me with your contact address phone number so i can send the check as soon as possible. I will want us to be through with this transaction before the middle of next month. I am having some problems with my phone company,they gave my number to some one else and they promised to give me another one so there is no way i will be able to get you on phone.
Hope to hear from you as soon as possible.Best Regards
(This strikes me as a tad suspicious. I respond accordingly:)
From: Ben Fuchs / To: Esther Page / Subject: Re: 1991 Ford Ranger / Date: Wed, 1 Mar 2006 10:22:53 -0800 (PST):
Greetings Esther - Gosh, that offer sounds fantastic. Don’t you want to test drive or at least see the truck first, though? Typically that is how I am most comfortable working out such transactions whenever I deal with 1991 Ford Ranger buyers who have no phones and who use English shipping agents to issue checks that can only be made out for $3900.
I hope you understand, Esther. That’s a beautiful name, by the way. Vietnamese?
Sincerely,
Joe Mama
(Cliche joke name gets by Esther. She WANTS this freaking truck, and she WANTS it for exactly one $3,900 check:)
From: Esther Page / To: Ben Fuchs / Subject: Re: 1991 Ford Ranger / Date: Fri, 3 Mar 2006 00:36:15 -0800 (PST):
Hi, I live in England but you can send me pictures of the Ford. Also email me your full name,contact address and telephone number so that i can arrange for the check to be sent out to you,
(That’s it, Esther — I’m pulling the rip cord:)
From: Ben Fuchs / To: Esther Page / Subject: Re: 1991 Ford Ranger / Date: Fri, 3 Mar 2006 04:49:35 -0800 (PST):
My Dear Esther,
I’m so sorry to say the truck has been sold. I received a different $3900 check from Sri Lanka, where the exchange rate for $3900 checks is exceptionally good at the moment. The final straw was when they offered to include five donkeys with the $3900 check. I plan to ride two of them at the same time to and from work in order to save money and cut down on pollution. As for the other three, I would be willing to trade them for that $3900 check of yours.
Unfortunately, at this time I do not have photos of my donkeys, for they are still in the mail. (It takes longer to mail donkeys than $3900 checks because you have to find larger mailboxes for the donkeys, and this can take time, as mailboxes of this size can be hard to locate in most countries. Surprisingly enough, there are actually more donkey-sized mailboxes per capita in Sri Lanka than there are in the U.S. and England combined. Mind blowing, isn’t it? Anyway, I digress.) Should you wish to see what I imagine my new donkeys will look like, visit the online version of Encyclopedia Britannica and enter “Donkey” in the search prompt. I think mine are all brown, but perhaps not. In any case, my offer for the three donkeys stands.
Please reply ASAP with your contact address and telephone number if you wish to proceed. Oh, that’s right…Has the phone company fixed your phone line yet? Those guys never seem to get anything right, do they?
Until we next speak…
Joe
