So every year around this time the warden tries to play Mr. Motherfucking Holiday Spirit and organizes a gift exchange ho-down with the guards and us prisoners, and it usually don’t go so well because they always give us shit they know we can’t use, like movies on tape when we ain’t got no VCRs for to play ‘em let alone no TV for to watch ‘em, and we always give the guards fish guts ‘cuz we ain’t got no way to buy nothin’ nice, and plus we really hate ‘em guards and what says “I really hate you” better’n fish guts?! Nothing, that’s what. But that’s just how it is, and everyone’s kinda come to be alright with the whole deal.
‘Cept then there’s this prisoner name of Fishgut Frank, guy I’ve mentioned before. Friend of mine, ‘spose you could say. Frank got his nickname on account of something he did had more to do with guts than with fish, and he’s damn proud of it. After a few years here in the big house, Frank grew wise to the fact we been givin’ them guards fish guts because nobody likes fish guts, and he took to catchin’ offense. Now, guys in the clink been givin’ them guards fish guts for summin’ like 30 years, and no one man big enough to stand down tradition like that. But Frank, this year, he decided he had a mind to try. One day in the mess hall, he stands up and hollers, loud and slow enough for everyone to hear and unnerstand, “FISHGUT FRANK SAYS NO MORE FISH GUTS. THIS YEAR, WE GETTIN’ ‘EM RAT SNOOTS.” And Frank, he’s a large fellow, so nobody really said nothing in return. ‘Cept, of course, for Ratsnoot Rodney, who had a logical objection. Rodney hollered back “NOBODY GIVIN’ OUT NO RAT SNOOTS ON MY WATCH. YOU WANNA GIVE ‘EM RAT SNOOTS, FRANK, YOU BETTER START WITH MINE.” Fishgut Frank seemed alright with that proposal, and he hurled his dining tray across the room at Rodney but missed, instead hitting Bellybuttonlint Linus right between the eyes, knocking him out cold and rendering him deaf-n-dumb for life.
And that’s how we came to start givin’ ‘em guards bellybutton lint ‘stedda fish guts.
So I was in the canteen the other day looking for some extra Kleenex and razor blades — not for slicing people up but for perfectly acceptable hygienic reasons — and I spotted a copy of this shitty magazine Dunce Cap Quarterly. It was just me and Fishgut Frank in there, so I asked him what the fuck kind of dumbass fucking name was that for a magazine anyways, and Fishgut Frank was all, “Actually, Bill, I find the title rather intriguing. It suggests the purveyors wish to present themselves as possessing a certain measure of pseudo-intellectual condescension balanced against a heavy dose of self-deprecating hypocrisy. The very fact that you clearly lack the capacity to break through an instinctive reactive derision to the presentation of the magazine’s moniker indicates that they’ve succeeded in their aim.”
Apologies for going AWOL. Excuses abound: “Work deadline” is one. “Not writing anything” is another. “Early-onset delirium tremens” is better still. Let’s just say I’m missing a shoe.
And since we’ve come this far, let’s just charge the post to sports and toss in a vintage ad that would be funnier if both Potrero’s Finest and Detroit’s Worst weren’t so utterly fucked at present:
So apparently, Nadja Benaissa, a 26-year-old singer in Germany’s famed girl group No Angels (equivalent to the US’s Danity Kane) has been arrested on suspicion of infecting one or more sexual partners with HIV. It is unclear whether or not she was in fact the transmitter, according to the source, so I don’t understand how this is even publishable news at this point. Many additional questions continue to float about in my head. I understand that it is incredibly immoral to have unprotected sex without disclosing the fact that you have HIV to your partner. But couldn’t she have been unaware that she was carrying the virus? In that case, is she still culpable? And how did she become infected? If from a previous partner, is he also being prosecuted? I gleaned the following info regarding US laws from a Yahoo answers result (cannot certify its accuracy):
“California has the “Willful Exposure Law” in which it’s considered a felony and you can get up to 8 years in prison. Qualifications for guilt are:
1. Having sex 2. Know that you are HIV positive 3. Not telling your partner you are HIV positive 4. Not using a condom 5. Having the specific intent to infect the other person Usually they get off because how do you prove “specific intent”? However, The AIDS Policy Center in Washington, D.C., reports that 27 other states have established criminal penalties for knowingly transmitting or exposing another person to HIV. If you want to press charges you need to contact a lawyer and find out what the law specifies in your state.”
So I was in the kitchen pulling slop duty one day, and just before we opened the doors for lunch this one skinhead dude tried to run up on Fishgut Frank, so I smacked that fool on his kneecap with a frying pan, and he fell down and started screaming. But then Pretty Mo ran over and whacked me in the teeth with a steel ladle!
I was like, “Damn, Pretty Mo, you broke my teeth! I thought we were cool.” And he was like, “Nope.”
