We know, we know: The State of the Union played its typical role as an irrelevant exercise in smarminess and manufactured etiquette, and the iPad cooks blueberry pancakes while producing orgasms on command. We’re not going to talk about these things — we’ll leave that to everyone else in America.
We want to instead bring attention to a deserving topic the mainstream media has unconscionably abandoned in recent times: the plight of the Missing Young Reasonably-Attractive Blond White Woman (MYRABWW). The fact that most sane American media consumers suffered Natalee Holloway overload years ago hasn’t deterred Western Hemisphere evildoers from creating MYRABWWs (evildoers from other parts of the globe being more egalitarian in their kidnappings and slayings of Westerners). No, the epidemic has carried on with nary a stumble. After all, there are,like, other things going on. But while Anderson Cooper and his ilk have moved on to maintaining spectacular muscle tone (nohomo) in way-less-pretty Caribbean locales, one news outlet has steadfastly maintained its toehold on the stories that matter. It should come as no surprise that this outlet, as the only collection of newsgatherers brave enough to regurgitate the same below-the-fold story for three straight years, also happens to represent America’s last bastion of objective journalism; its last semblance of an independent media unshackled by governmental censorship; its last bearer of the torch of free speech; its last source…of hope. These descriptors can, of course, apply only to one Fox News.
This isn’t to say that others have failed for lack of effort: CNN, via a series of ever-dumber website redesigns and an increased focus on Anna Nicole Smith and her pitiful troupe of supporting characters/survivors, tried valiantly. I mean, they really tried. NBC fortified its all-news cable offerings with more talking heads, some of whom can scream almost as loud as Glenn Beck — the key word, however, being “almost.” No, the reasons for Fox News’ emergence as the paragon of free press become apparent as soon as one scoots over to their easy-on-the-eyes (read: a few giant words and a plethora of shiny photos) website: Awash in patriotic colors (signifying love of country manifested in intense scrutiny of a few America-hating politicians), the homepage alone betrays Fox News’ unmatched tenacity in thoroughly reporting stories (the ACORN Pimp, Sarah Palin) the whole lot of its capricious competitors have long since abandoned in pursuit of…whatever. So dominant, in fact, is the network in its coverage of breaking and long-since-broken news that it has seemingly set its sights on a burgeoning form of new media — fake news.
For the moment, however, Fox News’ looming standoff with The Onion is neither here nor there; this is about the MYRABWWs. And nowhere is the network’s MYRABWW prowess more evident than in its U.S. news section, a cornerstone of FOXNews.com that comprises unrivaled coverage of the Supreme Court, the H1N1 flu virus, and, in America’s Future, the four most important issues we’ll face going forward: Water, Security, Islam in America, and, of course, Textbooks. But the domestic news section’s ticket-puncher has long been and will, God-willing, continue to be, Crime. This is where you’ll find the news that shapes America. This is where you’ll find the MYRABWWs.
On that note, we’re pleased to report that, as observed in a random sampling taken earlier today, Fox News continues to hold itself to the same standards that brought us groundbreaking pieces on JWoww’s wardrobe transformation and the status of the eight-limbed Indian girl: Front and center on the domestic Crime page — nay, the entire U.S.homepage — is an update on the latest tragic twist in a case involving a Virginia MYRABWW. Kudos, Fox News. Keep us in the know (unless the victim’s black, brown, pudgy, big-nosed, brunette and not super-hot, over 30, freckly, foreign, or a man).
Ms. Nina Nilssen, rest in peace. Middle America never knew ya.
Say what you will about his politics or his dubious interpretation of ‘objectivity’ — Rupert Murdoch got it right this time around. Back in the spring, when a very few brave souls produced a muffled murmur that resembled “Newspaper Bailout,” pundits praised Ol’ Rupe for charging readers to browse his Wall Street Journal online — a tactic eschewed by nearly every other daily in the nation.
Among the papers fearful of instigating a reader revolt, of course, was New York’s Paper of Record. The other day, we came upon this sordid scene at a craft fair in McCarren Park:
Our photo work could stand to improve — standing there, shooting away, we felt like the proverbial foot thwacking the proverbial dead horse — but the sign reads “50% Off!” The Times didn’t even bother to send out a proper sales rep — the poor sap here appears to be the laid-off mother of one of their delivery boys (they can still afford those, right?). Sad, sad days for the dead tree industry…
The responsibility inherent to this blogging business has had us all flustered recently, so we decided to just sit around and eat corned beef hash out of the can and wait for someone to finally invent the remedial device that will read our Cleverest/Poignantest Thought of the Day and transcribe it onto this limp-wristed blog. Seems basic enough, right? But Jackass Scientist Man is evidently preoccupied with more trivial matters, so we regretfully return to pounding the keyboard with our middle fingers and opposable thumbs while eating more corned beef hash out of the can, because that shit is delicious.
In keeping with tradition, then, we once again eschew literary substance in favor of photos and throwaway captions while celebrating the now-rapid approach of the Day the Puerto Ricans Retake Manhattan. It’s a mere month away now, so maybe it’s time I overcome my newly perfected machete phobia and saunter over to Sazon Perez for a mound of greasy, crackily pernil, since it’s allllmost as delectable as corned beef hash and it doesn’t typically come with aluminum splinters and other tasty surprises that sometimes make non-crunchy canned foods crunchy. Oy…hurry up, Jackass Scientist Man. For now, shutup, you, and marvel upon the shiny soul-drawrings:
Shouldn’t wear a wife-beater for the same reason I don’t wear an afro: Because it just looks stupid
The Badder: Some of them are spicing things up by slathering poison on their sharpened machete tips. You know, for max sliceage points. And the ones that weren’t before will be once they meander past La Dolce Musto in this past week’s Village Voice.
The OK: The attacks seem to revolve around the southern edge of the Bedford Ave. gentrification corridor, where randomly chosen victims are more likely to be trust-fund hipster kids than, say, I dunno, me. That said, Sazon Perez pernil expeditions may henceforth be restricted to daylight hours.
The Doubly Related: A member of the DCQ family once obtained a rusty machete while vacationing as a child in the Yucatán. Said homeboy tried to carry it on to the plane. Inspection failed. A classic customs blunder.
The island nation of Aruba has unleashed an all-out ad blitz on the MTA trains, running short bios of smiling Arubans on beaches, golf courses, and serene Oranjestad streets lined with colorful knockoffs of Dutch colonials. But only one of the seven ads features a local who is black. I was getting amped to rip into Fox News and Nancy Grace and redneck southern politicians for their catalytic roles in the blatantly racist Natalee Holloway fiasco, to illustrate how they’ve driven Aruba to ostracize its black residents through a disproportionately representative ad campaign propelled by the notion that black equals crime. Then I did some research, and was surprised to find that my angle held no water on several counts:
- Due to the island’s arid soil and lack of rainfall, imperialists didn’t try to cultivate Aruba, hence no slaves (to console itself, Spain kidnapped every single Arawak on the island and shipped them to work copper mines on Hispaniola). Thus, a much lower percentage of Arubans claim African heritage than do other Caribbean nationalities — Trinidadians, Jamaicans, even the folks in neighboring Curaçao.
- Tourism is huge in Aruba. I knew it was important, as it is in every other island on the Carnival cruise highway, but the health of Aruba’s GDP relies more on tourism dollars than on any other industry. And the country’s dependance on tourism is growing stronger: The second-biggest industry is oil refining. With the realization that oil’s a finite resource, Aruba has quintupled its stock of hotel rooms since 1985. In 2004 (before Missing White Girl broke), Aruba filled an average of 80 percent of those rooms, compared with 68 percent in other Caribbean hotspots. They needed tourists before her, and they still need them now.
- None of the three suspects arrested was black (one was Dutch and the other two were Surinamese). Likewise, none was ever charged.
And to further that note on a note, the Holloway dad is some piece of work. In his book, he criticizes the media for being fickle after they bumped his daughter to the bottom of the hour when a juicier story broke:
“Hurricane Katrina had left the door open for the (suspects) to be sent on their way with little publicity and few restrictions because it took the world’s focus off of Natalee, but only for a brief time. The huge amount of publicity had waned and, during that time of quiet for us, Joran and the Kalpoe brothers were sent home… . All of the news shows that had followed our every move only a day before had now become fixated on the next big ratings grabber: the victims of Hurricane Katrina.”
What manipulative bastards.
But Father Holloway’s justified criticism is beside the point: My expected angle fell flat. In the end, I had nothing. The ad campaign isn’t necessarily racist because it’s actually somewhat representative of Aruba’s population. But if it had proved as racist as I’d expected, I would have said this: “Those two black guys were clearly selected specifically to make the rider think, ‘They look happy and peaceful. I’d bet 4-to-1 they used to hang out with the guys from Cool Runnings till they all realized there wasn’t enough room in the bobsled.’”
Then you would’ve laughed and laughed, and I would’ve congratulated myself. Close your eyes. Try to imagine. Or just read this guy’s take (unless he’s got a Lonely Planet: Aruba chum on the Aruban census team, he twisted the ethnic numbers to make the case).
