Photo courtesy Iris Weiss, via
We know, we know: The State of the Union played its typical role as an irrelevant exercise in smarminess and manufactured etiquette, and the iPad cooks blueberry pancakes while producing orgasms on command. We’re not going to talk about these things — we’ll leave that to everyone else in America.
We want to instead bring attention to a deserving topic the mainstream media has unconscionably abandoned in recent times: the plight of the Missing Young Reasonably-Attractive Blond White Woman (MYRABWW). The fact that most sane American media consumers suffered Natalee Holloway overload years ago hasn’t deterred Western Hemisphere evildoers from creating MYRABWWs (evildoers from other parts of the globe being more egalitarian in their kidnappings and slayings of Westerners). No, the epidemic has carried on with nary a stumble. After all, there are, like, other things going on. But while Anderson Cooper and his ilk have moved on to maintaining spectacular muscle tone (nohomo) in way-less-pretty Caribbean locales, one news outlet has steadfastly maintained its toehold on the stories that matter. It should come as no surprise that this outlet, as the only collection of newsgatherers brave enough to regurgitate the same below-the-fold story for three straight years, also happens to represent America’s last bastion of objective journalism; its last semblance of an independent media unshackled by governmental censorship; its last bearer of the torch of free speech; its last source…of hope. These descriptors can, of course, apply only to one Fox News.
This isn’t to say that others have failed for lack of effort: CNN, via a series of ever-dumber website redesigns and an increased focus on Anna Nicole Smith and her pitiful troupe of supporting characters/survivors, tried valiantly. I mean, they really tried. NBC fortified its all-news cable offerings with more talking heads, some of whom can scream almost as loud as Glenn Beck — the key word, however, being “almost.” No, the reasons for Fox News’ emergence as the paragon of free press become apparent as soon as one scoots over to their easy-on-the-eyes (read: a few giant words and a plethora of shiny photos) website: Awash in patriotic colors (signifying love of country manifested in intense scrutiny of a few America-hating politicians), the homepage alone betrays Fox News’ unmatched tenacity in thoroughly reporting stories (the ACORN Pimp, Sarah Palin) the whole lot of its capricious competitors have long since abandoned in pursuit of…whatever. So dominant, in fact, is the network in its coverage of breaking and long-since-broken news that it has seemingly set its sights on a burgeoning form of new media — fake news.
For the moment, however, Fox News’ looming standoff with The Onion is neither here nor there; this is about the MYRABWWs. And nowhere is the network’s MYRABWW prowess more evident than in its U.S. news section, a cornerstone of FOXNews.com that comprises unrivaled coverage of the Supreme Court, the H1N1 flu virus, and, in America’s Future, the four most important issues we’ll face going forward: Water, Security, Islam in America, and, of course, Textbooks. But the domestic news section’s ticket-puncher has long been and will, God-willing, continue to be, Crime. This is where you’ll find the news that shapes America. This is where you’ll find the MYRABWWs.
On that note, we’re pleased to report that, as observed in a random sampling taken earlier today, Fox News continues to hold itself to the same standards that brought us groundbreaking pieces on JWoww’s wardrobe transformation and the status of the eight-limbed Indian girl: Front and center on the domestic Crime page — nay, the entire U.S. homepage — is an update on the latest tragic twist in a case involving a Virginia MYRABWW. Kudos, Fox News. Keep us in the know (unless the victim’s black, brown, pudgy, big-nosed, brunette and not super-hot, over 30, freckly, foreign, or a man).
Ms. Nina Nilssen, rest in peace. Middle America never knew ya.
