by Brickface Bill, dumbshit
So every year around this time the warden tries to play Mr. Motherfucking Holiday Spirit and organizes a gift exchange ho-down with the guards and us prisoners, and it usually don’t go so well because they always give us shit they know we can’t use, like movies on tape when we ain’t got no VCRs for to play ‘em let alone no TV for to watch ‘em, and we always give the guards fish guts ‘cuz we ain’t got no way to buy nothin’ nice, and plus we really hate ‘em guards and what says “I really hate you” better’n fish guts?! Nothing, that’s what. But that’s just how it is, and everyone’s kinda come to be alright with the whole deal.
‘Cept then there’s this prisoner name of Fishgut Frank, guy I’ve mentioned before. Friend of mine, ‘spose you could say. Frank got his nickname on account of something he did had more to do with guts than with fish, and he’s damn proud of it. After a few years here in the big house, Frank grew wise to the fact we been givin’ them guards fish guts because nobody likes fish guts, and he took to catchin’ offense. Now, guys in the clink been givin’ them guards fish guts for summin’ like 30 years, and no one man big enough to stand down tradition like that. But Frank, this year, he decided he had a mind to try. One day in the mess hall, he stands up and hollers, loud and slow enough for everyone to hear and unnerstand, “FISHGUT FRANK SAYS NO MORE FISH GUTS. THIS YEAR, WE GETTIN’ ‘EM RAT SNOOTS.” And Frank, he’s a large fellow, so nobody really said nothing in return. ‘Cept, of course, for Ratsnoot Rodney, who had a logical objection. Rodney hollered back “NOBODY GIVIN’ OUT NO RAT SNOOTS ON MY WATCH. YOU WANNA GIVE ‘EM RAT SNOOTS, FRANK, YOU BETTER START WITH MINE.” Fishgut Frank seemed alright with that proposal, and he hurled his dining tray across the room at Rodney but missed, instead hitting Bellybuttonlint Linus right between the eyes, knocking him out cold and rendering him deaf-n-dumb for life.
And that’s how we came to start givin’ ‘em guards bellybutton lint ‘stedda fish guts.
Happy holidays, y’all.
